I have been wanting to write and share for the last two days but. Other things had become more pressing. The desire to write and share my life even in just little bite size portions has amazed me almost as much as God has been lately. So on to the good stuff.
Mandy and I had what we are seeing as a testing of our faith Sunday night early Monday morning. Mandy had been asleep for a period of time and I had just finished the next chapter in Elijah: A Man of Heroism and Humility and had picked up another book which I has started close to a year ago. This was the setting for our test. We have had a great week end and we have both been getting into this Elijah book. It is Sunday and I am reading and studying about faith related materials while Mandy sleeps. As has become a frequent occurrence Mandy wakes to use the restroom. Shortly after, she returns to the room in tears, she had signs of blood on her tissue after using the restroom. For some of you who have had to face the experience of a miscarriage you may understand the significance of the blood which can be a sign of one occurring. I try to be brave and reassuring. But she is sure that it has happened. All day she had been referring to the lack feeling of pregnant. That plus blood in her mind means the worst has happened and just within days of letting the 'cat out of the bag'. So we make the call to the midwife and she tries to reassure Mandy also, the whole time Mandy is shaking her head no. She knows that the miscarriage has happened. We are told to keep an eye out for more blood or cramping and if the bleeding keeps happening or worsens or if cramping occurs call her back. Otherwise we are to come in Monday afternoon and we will see what we can hear.
The mood is gloom and the weight of the unknown and the thought of the tragedy is overwhelming for both of us. I am trying to stay positive, and trying to lean on faith that God knows our hearts and desires, trying to hold on to what we have seen, heard and felt about this baby. The battle of faith has begun. We talk for a bit and then try to get our hearts and minds to stop so we can rest. But my mind won't and I start to question. If this miscarriage has occurred I don't know if I am strong enough to handle it. I begin to fear that all the work and growth I have seen the past week the change in what I see in my eyes will all be destroyed and I and my faith will be crushed. During this time Mandy has gone to the restroom again and no blood. But the fight for us both is still happening. I recount some of what I read early that night to Mandy. That I want to have faith to speak with the authority of Elijah and I admit my fear. That I am not strong enough for this tragedy. Not now, not at this time.
Mandy said something to me that struck me deep inside. "You are strong enough, all you have to do is choose to be." Talking about striking a cord. Those words struck deep and they reminded me of what Chuck Swindoll said about Elijah.
Elijah: A Man of Heroism and Humility
Chapter 5: The God Who Answers by Fire
Isn't amazing how often people try everything but that(Prayer)? It's like the old saying: "When everything else fails, read the instructions." So it goes with prayer. When everything else fails, try prayer. "Okay, okay . . . maybe we should pray about it." But Elijah didn't use prayer as a last resort. Prayer was his first and only resort. A simple prayer of faith was his major contact with the living Lord. It set everything in motion.
He believed in God and had faith. He had dedicated his life to the Lord and had chosen to live each day by walking in faith no matter what. This confidence and faith in God had led Elijah to Cherith and Zarebeth and had allowed him to step up and do things that had never been recorded as being done before him. So I decided to step up and believe. To take whatever faith I had and place it where it belongs, in God. At the beginning of the unfolding events I had felt two things: One have faith. Two walk in authority. But both of these feelings had been washed away by fear, doubt, and disbelief as the events kept unfolding. But with the words of love and support spoken by my helper I came back to those feelings. This time I acted on them. I prayed and knew that Mandy needed to pray also.
As my hand lay on Mandy's pregnant belly and I laid out to God my desire and spoke with as much confidence and authority I could muster. I felt movement. I asked Mandy if she felt anything and she hadn't. I thought maybe it was her breathing so I asked her to hold her breathe for a moment and there it still was. It wasn't like a baby kick or even movement of the baby. The only word that struck me as I tried to figure out what was going on was knitting. There was knitting going on in there. I knew God was working. My heart had become happy again. I was no longer weighed down with fear and disbelief. There was hope and I was sure things were alright. Mandy asked me how I was feeling and I was able to tell here what I had felt and the hope I had. There was a question about if I was really feeling that way or just butting up the brave soldier face for her. I was able to confidently say why don't you just look into my eyes, Because I knew the life is back in them.
We waited all day Monday. We tried to take it easy with a lazy day of rest. There was still no spotting but still no 'pregnant feelings' either. Mandy canceled her morning workout session with a friend but did go into work. My confidence in the baby being alright had been high all day. There had been no further signs to be concerned over and Mandy had even a slight moment of 'feeling something pregnant'. Our appoint arrived late Tuesday afternoon. There was a lot of expectation and hope in the room. But just as the midwife was trying to find the heartbeat, there was a knock of doubt in my head. Which was quickly shut down by the sound of a strong healthy heart beat. The moment of hearing that heart beat over the speaker was like a victory celebration in my soul. It was as if God was just smiling at us and gently but his arms around us. Then quietly over all the noise inside He said I love you and everything is going to be alright.
Now if only Mandy would stop laughing every time we hear the heartbeat. We could be able to get a good recording so we can share.
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