As many of you may know, either through relationship with me and Mandy or through reading this very blog, I have been dealing with feelings of abandonment in regards to God. I have been questioning and telling God through my actions, words, and my prayers that he had forgotten me. That he was being silent and had left me to fend for myself. Even after the events (the clarity of direction) that lead us in during our departure from Oregon to Washington. I quickly began to question God and if we had heard from him at all. Things weren't going as we had hoped for or believed they would be. But that is enough of the mumble grumble stuff. How about we move onto something better.
We have been attending the Living Water Regal Campus for nearly a year now. Each week the teaching from the pulpit and the words from the leadership at the Regal campus have been reaching into the lives of both Mandy and I. With each passing week over the last year we have had our hearts and spirits stirred and directed towards God. But the question in my heart and the doubt in my head kept echoing in me and out of me. I was getting tired and over the last few weeks have been praying for God's presence, wisdom and direction for my life and our family.
When I had first heard about Living Water's Men's Conference we didn't feel the timing was right because our Baby (Joshua) was due a couple of weeks before the weekend of the conference. Then God brought Joshua into the world two weeks early which brought up more questions about God and his will for us due to the financial position which his early arrival could be putting us in (which we found out this week God worked out). So the Obstacle of the baby's arrival date was solved. After some discussion both Mandy and I believed that the conference would be good for me and would hopefully introduce me to some other men in the church.
I hadn't been to work for two weeks so when I went in to put in my request for the weekend off for the conference I was too late, I had missed the deadline for request for the weekend in question. When I later checked the schedule I had Saturday off but I had been scheduled for Friday night. So I thought I could try and switch shifts but found no takers and there was still another issue. Mandy and I could not afford to pay for me to attend. So I asked the church for help and the Friday before the conference I got word that they had found a scholarship for me.
I still had the issue of Friday night but I could still attend Saturday and Sunday. But then I found out you had to pay for your own lodging. I had never been to a conference or retreat where the expense hadn't covered lodging. What was I to do I couldn't afford a place to stay either. So I asked and one of the Pastor's of Living Water booked a hotel for the weekend and allowed me to room with him. So what about Friday night. I made a decision. I didn't want to miss any of the conference. So I found some to take my shift. I lost some hours but it helped the guy out who took my shift and the loss of hours was a minute cost for what came.
Friday night was great. We had a good worship set and I was able to get into and start to release some of my stress and frustrations. We had a great teaching about Destiny and the costs we face to follow God's destiny in our lives. Then there came some time to share and pray in the smaller group setting of the table I had sat at. I took the opportunity to share what I had been feeling and praying up to this weekend. Then they prayed for me, there where three older men and three Teens who are part of Anthem(Living Waters Young Adult leadership development program). It is humbling when you have such youngsters praying for you.
After the teaching we had some time for fellowship and manly fun. When that was done it was back to the Hotel room for some rest. I started reading in one of the books I brought and around 2:00 am finished the book (there was only a couple chapters left) and then prayed about what I had read regarding Jesus and the cross. In those moments I placed many things at the foot of the cross as Max Lucado in He Chose The Nails. By the end of my prayer I felt exhausted and energized all at the same time. So off to sleep I went.
Saturday morning started like this. My first thought at 7:30 am was "I am not a morning Person." The second thought was "But God made this morning and I am a man of God." The third thought was "Today I will be a morning man for God." Off to breakfast and then to the conference center where I thought I needed to be at 8:00 am. Turned out I had over heard a joke and interpreted it as the start time, which was actually 9:00 am. So I prayed for the day and read(but not something God focused but star wars focused). The session started with some worship and some teaching both where good and still on target with the working and stirrings of my heart.
The session before lunch was a study of some scriptures in our table groups(which I had changed to so I could expose and introduce myself to as many people as I could). It was a good study and again I saw scriptures matching up with what was going on in my head, spirit and heart. Then it was a lunch and free time. So I attached myself to a group of guys and had a great time getting to know them and hanging out with them.
The evening session started with another great session of worship. With each session of worship I was able to release more and allow myself engage in it more. Then out of know where; as I began to sing words to a song and they sank into my being as I released and worshiped with more of my voice, mind and body; the emotions swelled to the point where I broke. Crumbling to the floor as I could no longer sing, I could only cry out in tears of sorrow, anguish and shame. As Men who I have seen but never really meant began to pray over all I could do was cry out for forgiveness and apologize to good. For in the midst of the tears I realized something. God's hand had not left my life. He had not forsaken me or forgotten me. I was the one at fault. I had turned my face from him. I walked away and got lost. It was my choice, it was my doing. Then he showed me that through it all he was there. His hand covering me was the picture I saw. His love was being poured out on me, his provision and blessing I was receiving even as I have been accusing him, telling him, pointing my fingers at him and even yelling at him about how he had forsaken me and forgotten me. The explosion of emotion, sadness, sorrow, shame, and conviction were greater than anything I have known to this date. All I could do was cry and beg for forgiveness as I apologized for my sin. Once I was able to return to worship it was amazing. I haven't worshiped like that in years. Then another good message and some more hangout and fun to be had. But it wasn't done yet.
First there was a message from a man, a Man of God. Friday night A man who was a former marine I believe, his name escapes me at this time, stood up and spoke to Pastor Burt after he had shared something of his life. He spoke powerfully and with love and authority even to his own pastor. I had thought after he finished a brief thought that was never spoken out loud. I hope he comes up and talks to me. When worship was done and the message finished we had some prayer time and it was completed. Then men had slowly been moving from the area where we had been worshiping, praying and learning to the area where the fun and food where. I had left to look for someone explained next and had returned to the main meeting area. I crossed the room to my stuff grabbed and saw the man of God. Now I didn't walk towards him but I didn't walk as far from him as I could have. He looked at me then walked over to me and then he spoke to me but more so into me. We talked about what I had been feeling up to this point and what God had been doing. He spoke more of what God wanted to do. He spoke to my heart about doing it God's way even when you didn't feel like it. About making the choice even when it was easy. He spoke to me about what I was going to need to be doing when I came down from the mountain top of this weekend. He spoke but God spoke through him to my very soul and spirit. It was again what I needed. . . . . But there was more.
My roommate for Friday night had to return for church business Saturday afternoon. Before he left he introduced me to a man who was wanting to stay that night instead of driving back. I looked for this man that night after service but never found him. I don't know where he went or what happened but I think God decided I need a room alone that night. Which made it a heck of a lot easier to do what God had me doing next. I read the next Psalms that Mandy and I would be reading the next time we sat down and read. The words of this psalms penetrated and awakened something inside of me. Yet another experience I hadn't felt or partaken of in a long time. As soon as I finished I was reminded of something then Man of God said. It was a reminder of the fact that I was a child of God and Satan had no right or authority over me or my life. I needed to tell Satan and his De-minions Where to go and remind them of the victory Jesus has already given to us. So that is what I did. Out loud and luckily I didn't have any complaints that I know of. I talked to Satan, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for myself and my family. It was liberating. I fell asleep after writing a song for my son and singing praise as my eyes finally closed.
The morning was great and the worship was some of the best I have had in a very longtime. I was worshiping my lord with all I had. Then testimony time came and I stood before Pastor Jon had finished asking. I was pumped, I was excited I was free and I wanted to share it. The morning session was short but we had communion and I hadn't felt this good about doing communion in a good amount of time. The conference wrapped up I helped with tear down. Th group of guys I had been hanging with on Saturday had planned to stop for lunch together on the way home so I joined them. I tried to find some one to keep me company on the ride home but couldn't find anyone. Again it might have been God's will for me He had something else to show me.
After lunch we parted our ways and hit the road. I kept my stereo off and was just singing words and trying to make up songs as I reflected on the weekend. I prayed some and just again let God know how grateful and how much I was looking forward to moving from where I had been to where I felt I was going. It was during this reflection that an image came to me. It was an image of what looked like a heart made of stone. Then carefully and very delicately a set of hands began working on the stone shape with a hammer and chisel. Tap Tap Tap Tap the hammer would go. Then the hands would stop and a rush of breathe would cross the surface which had been worked on blowing away dust and small pieces of stone. Then a hand would come back to the stone heart with a brush and brush away the debris as the breath was blown. The breath would stop and the brush would disappear and then the hammer and chisel returned. Tap Tap Tap Tap, Breathe, Brush Brush , Breathe. Then again tap tap tap tap, breathe, brush brush breathe. It came to me quiet clearly that I had been asking God for a neon sign or a big booming voice or something drastic to come in and change me. But he showed me that it was a delicate process. Because under that stone was the a heart of flesh and blood. It was my heart under there and to do it with out a careful delicate touch could have destroyed what lie under the stone.
It has been a few days since I have been back at home, in this world away from the Mountain Top, but I know, feel and believe God did something in my life. I am not the same and I am not going back.
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