A weekend of Men and God - March 30 2011

As many of you may know, either through relationship with me and Mandy or through reading this very blog, I have been dealing with feelings of abandonment in regards to God. I have been questioning and telling God through my actions, words, and my prayers that he had forgotten me. That he was being silent and had left me to fend for myself. Even after the events (the clarity of direction) that lead us in during our departure from Oregon to Washington. I quickly began to question God and if we had heard from him at all. Things weren't going as we had hoped for or believed they would be. But that is enough of the mumble grumble stuff. How about we move onto something better.

We have been attending the Living Water Regal Campus for nearly a year now. Each week the teaching from the pulpit and the words from the leadership at the Regal campus have been reaching into the lives of both Mandy and I. With each passing week over the last year we have had our hearts and spirits stirred and directed towards God. But the question in my heart and the doubt in my head kept echoing in me and out of me. I was getting tired and over the last few weeks have been praying for God's presence, wisdom and direction for my life and our family.

When I had first heard about Living Water's Men's Conference we didn't feel the timing was right because our Baby (Joshua) was due a couple of weeks before the weekend of the conference. Then God brought Joshua into the world two weeks early which brought up more questions about God and his will for us due to the financial position which his early arrival could be putting us in (which we found out this week God worked out). So the Obstacle of the baby's arrival date was solved. After some discussion both Mandy and I believed that the conference would be good for me and would hopefully introduce me to some other men in the church.

I hadn't been to work for two weeks so when I went in to put in my request for the weekend off for the conference I was too late, I had missed the deadline for request for the weekend in question. When I later checked the schedule I had Saturday off but I had been scheduled for Friday night. So I thought I could try and switch shifts but found no takers and there was still another issue. Mandy and I could not afford to pay for me to attend. So I asked the church for help and the Friday before the conference I got word that they had found a scholarship for me.

I still had the issue of Friday night but I could still attend Saturday and Sunday. But then I found out you had to pay for your own lodging. I had never been to a conference or retreat where the expense hadn't covered lodging. What was I to do I couldn't afford a place to stay either. So I asked and one of the Pastor's of Living Water booked a hotel for the weekend and allowed me to room with him. So what about Friday night. I made a decision. I didn't want to miss any of the conference. So I found some to take my shift. I lost some hours but it helped the guy out who took my shift and the loss of hours was a minute cost for what came.

Friday night was great. We had a good worship set and I was able to get into and start to release some of my stress and frustrations. We had a great teaching about Destiny and the costs we face to follow God's destiny in our lives. Then there came some time to share and pray in the smaller group setting of the table I had sat at. I took the opportunity to share what I had been feeling and praying up to this weekend. Then they prayed for me, there where three older men and three Teens who are part of Anthem(Living Waters Young Adult leadership development program). It is humbling when you have such youngsters praying for you.

After the teaching we had some time for fellowship and manly fun. When that was done it was back to the Hotel room for some rest. I started reading in one of the books I brought and around 2:00 am finished the book (there was only a couple chapters left) and then prayed about what I had read regarding Jesus and the cross. In those moments I placed many things at the foot of the cross as Max Lucado in He Chose The Nails. By the end of my prayer I felt exhausted and energized all at the same time. So off to sleep I went.

Saturday morning started like this. My first thought at 7:30 am was "I am not a morning Person." The second thought was "But God made this morning and I am a man of God." The third thought was "Today I will be a morning man for God." Off to breakfast and then to the conference center where I thought I needed to be at 8:00 am. Turned out I had over heard a joke and interpreted it as the start time, which was actually 9:00 am. So I prayed for the day and read(but not something God focused but star wars focused). The session started with some worship and some teaching both where good and still on target with the working and stirrings of my heart.

The session before lunch was a study of some scriptures in our table groups(which I had changed to so I could expose and introduce myself to as many people as I could). It was a good study and again I saw scriptures matching up with what was going on in my head, spirit and heart. Then it was a lunch and free time. So I attached myself to a group of guys and had a great time getting to know them and hanging out with them.

The evening session started with another great session of worship. With each session of worship I was able to release more and allow myself engage in it more. Then out of know where; as I began to sing words to a song and they sank into my being as I released and worshiped with more of my voice, mind and body; the emotions swelled to the point where I broke. Crumbling to the floor as I could no longer sing, I could only cry out in tears of sorrow, anguish and shame. As Men who I have seen but never really meant began to pray over all I could do was cry out for forgiveness and apologize to good. For in the midst of the tears I realized something. God's hand had not left my life. He had not forsaken me or forgotten me. I was the one at fault. I had turned my face from him. I walked away and got lost. It was my choice, it was my doing. Then he showed me that through it all he was there. His hand covering me was the picture I saw. His love was being poured out on me, his provision and blessing I was receiving even as I have been accusing him, telling him, pointing my fingers at him and even yelling at him about how he had forsaken me and forgotten me. The explosion of emotion, sadness, sorrow, shame, and conviction were greater than anything I have known to this date. All I could do was cry and beg for forgiveness as I apologized for my sin. Once I was able to return to worship it was amazing. I haven't worshiped like that in years. Then another good message and some more hangout and fun to be had. But it wasn't done yet.

First there was a message from a man, a Man of God. Friday night A man who was a former marine I believe, his name escapes me at this time, stood up and spoke to Pastor Burt after he had shared something of his life. He spoke powerfully and with love and authority even to his own pastor. I had thought after he finished a brief thought that was never spoken out loud. I hope he comes up and talks to me. When worship was done and the message finished we had some prayer time and it was completed. Then men had slowly been moving from the area where we had been worshiping, praying and learning to the area where the fun and food where. I had left to look for someone explained next and had returned to the main meeting area. I crossed the room to my stuff grabbed and saw the man of God. Now I didn't walk towards him but I didn't walk as far from him as I could have. He looked at me then walked over to me and then he spoke to me but more so into me. We talked about what I had been feeling up to this point and what God had been doing. He spoke more of what God wanted to do. He spoke to my heart about doing it God's way even when you didn't feel like it. About making the choice even when it was easy. He spoke to me about what I was going to need to be doing when I came down from the mountain top of this weekend. He spoke but God spoke through him to my very soul and spirit. It was again what I needed. . . . . But there was more.

My roommate for Friday night had to return for church business Saturday afternoon. Before he left he introduced me to a man who was wanting to stay that night instead of driving back. I looked for this man that night after service but never found him. I don't know where he went or what happened but I think God decided I need a room alone that night. Which made it a heck of a lot easier to do what God had me doing next. I read the next Psalms that Mandy and I would be reading the next time we sat down and read. The words of this psalms penetrated and awakened something inside of me. Yet another experience I hadn't felt or partaken of in a long time. As soon as I finished I was reminded of something then Man of God said. It was a reminder of the fact that I was a child of God and Satan had no right or authority over me or my life. I needed to tell Satan and his De-minions Where to go and remind them of the victory Jesus has already given to us. So that is what I did. Out loud and luckily I didn't have any complaints that I know of. I talked to Satan, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for myself and my family. It was liberating. I fell asleep after writing a song for my son and singing praise as my eyes finally closed.

The morning was great and the worship was some of the best I have had in a very longtime. I was worshiping my lord with all I had. Then testimony time came and I stood before Pastor Jon had finished asking. I was pumped, I was excited I was free and I wanted to share it. The morning session was short but we had communion and I hadn't felt this good about doing communion in a good amount of time. The conference wrapped up I helped with tear down. Th group of guys I had been hanging with on Saturday had planned to stop for lunch together on the way home so I joined them. I tried to find some one to keep me company on the ride home but couldn't find anyone. Again it might have been God's will for me He had something else to show me.

After lunch we parted our ways and hit the road. I kept my stereo off and was just singing words and trying to make up songs as I reflected on the weekend. I prayed some and just again let God know how grateful and how much I was looking forward to moving from where I had been to where I felt I was going. It was during this reflection that an image came to me. It was an image of what looked like a heart made of stone. Then carefully and very delicately a set of hands began working on the stone shape with a hammer and chisel. Tap Tap Tap Tap the hammer would go. Then the hands would stop and a rush of breathe would cross the surface which had been worked on blowing away dust and small pieces of stone. Then a hand would come back to the stone heart with a brush and brush away the debris as the breath was blown. The breath would stop and the brush would disappear and then the hammer and chisel returned. Tap Tap Tap Tap, Breathe, Brush Brush , Breathe. Then again tap tap tap tap, breathe, brush brush breathe. It came to me quiet clearly that I had been asking God for a neon sign or a big booming voice or something drastic to come in and change me. But he showed me that it was a delicate process. Because under that stone was the a heart of flesh and blood. It was my heart under there and to do it with out a careful delicate touch could have destroyed what lie under the stone.

It has been a few days since I have been back at home, in this world away from the Mountain Top, but I know, feel and believe God did something in my life. I am not the same and I am not going back.

A decision of Faith - 03/01/2011

Before I wrote my Blog Yesterday which was mostly about the emotion and fears I had been feeling and facing. Mandy and I were in the midst of a depressing and fear filled conversation about our future. We discussed how much we needed to meet our budget if we stripped it back to the bare bone minimums(Housing, Food, Utilities, Gas, Insurance). We discussed that we needed to contact Aflac before we wrote it off as not happening. We discussed that we didn't want to have to spend another season for another child working opposite shifts. But all the discussions brought were fear, frustration and discouragement. Most of which was the weight I wrote about yesterday.

But in the midst of the weight came a clarity and strength that I haven't felt in some time. And I made a decision for myself and my family in that moment. We would stand in faith that God would provide for us. We decided to take what leave Mandy has and use it over the course of the 12 weeks of FMLA that Mandy is allowed. That gives us three months before a final decision is to be made about her going back to work for the state. We feel between her leave time and the tax return we can make it that long with out a significant change. But that realization didn't come until after I made a decision of faith.

I am grateful for those of you who shared your concern, prayers and words with Mandy and I. Please keep it coming. Keep involved in our lives, investing in us. Because I believe your investment will produce fruit in us. Your involvement in our lives will help us grow. We need people but not just passer-byers, window shoppers or people not willing to get into our muck. We need people intending to invest and see the return. People who are willing to dig and water our lives with us so the growth and fruit can be bountiful.

If that is you keep sharing, keep praying, and keep us in relationship with you.

Faith or Fear - 02/28/2011

According to the Dictionary.com Christian Theology defines faith as follows.
"The trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved."

This post might surprise some of you because you view me differently than I do myself. Your view may be based on your relationship with me or it may be based on some insight you have about me, my past or my future. If this post is a let down to you I am sorry but I am trying to be real about how I see and feel about things. Not how I think you want me to feel.

Also just a note. I know all of the cliche answers, comments and encouragements that are going to pop into your head. So if that is all you got well that is all you got. But if you are willing to bare your heart and get down and dirty in the truth with me in this, that is what I need. Call me out and help me see the errors. The Cry of my heart right now is that God will not allow me to stay the way that I am. So pray and seek Him for me because you might be a part of the answer.

February 26, 2011 is a day that will stand on its own in my memories for the rest of my life. My second born child and my first "Little Man" as mommy has taken to calling him was born. You are thinking to yourself how great and wonderful it must have been. Now you're thinking to yourself, the way he just typed that makes it sound like it wasn't.

That is not what I am saying. It was one of the three most beautiful and precious moments of my life(Wedding and Jillian's birth are the other two). The miracle of life, the joy and pride of being a part of that new life. Wow, what an experience. It is not one that can be sold, imitated or shared. It is an experience that you must have to fully appreciate.

But in the midst of great Joy, Beauty and life there was a weight. A weight so extreme that some of our close friends heard it over the joy of Joshua's coming when I called and let them know about it. A weight that in the hours prior to his birth I had called out for prayer, because our plan couldn't have Joshua born any earlier than March 1, 2011.

We had a plan in mind for our future and our hope for Mandy being able to transition to being a stay at home mom. In the very moments of the wonderful events that where transpiring and that we were being blessed to be a part of, the future weighed me down.

Faith that our God who has promised to provide for us and give us our hearts desire was tested under this weight. We truly believed that with the next baby (Joshua) that I would, upon completion of my degree, be finding employment that would allow us to switch from a two income family to a single income where I would be the sole source of income and Mandy would stay home with the children.

The job hunt has not gone well up to this point and we had purchased AFLAC insurance to help with living expenses for a period of up to six months after the baby was born. AFLAC requires you to be enrolled into the program for ten months before benefits will be paid out. Our ten month deadline was March 1, 2011. OUR plan was that Joshua, who had a due date of March 12th, would be born after March 1st and we would have 12 weeks of (unpaid) FMLA from Mandy's work using her 15 days of paid leave to cover health insurance expense over the three months while I found a job. Then at the end of the 12 weeks if she had to go back we could swallow our pride and she would go back until something else came about. Otherwise she wouldn't go back and we would have another 3 months of AFLAC benefits to help with expenses. While Mandy worked on her business plan or some other alternate sources of income that would allow her to stay home.

The weight was the knowledge that with out the AFLAC benefits, Mandy has three weeks worth of income to either use all at once or over 12 weeks. The fear was that God wasn't listening to our prayer or our hearts desire. The fear that once again my faith didn't seem to be enough.

I have struggled in one very large area of the Christian Life for a long time. It is the area of faith. Particularly in the area of believing that God loves me enough to fulfill the desires of my heart. That He would take the time to listen to my request for me and answer them. I have never had a problem for praying for others but for myself it has always been a challenge. I have also found it easier to pray prayers that didn't require a lot of faith or that allow the little cop out of, if it is your will.

So where does this leave me. Fearful of the future. Wanting to have faith that God will meet the desires of our life but afraid that his plan and our plan is different. Trying to make changes that I know he wants me to make but struggling with impatience with the time it may take to see the results. Filled with the joy of being the father to a new and wonderful creation of God. Amazed that God could take my genes and create Joshua Caleb Mattos. But among all of that there is a fear that I will not be able to raise him in such a way that he will fall in Love and serve God in a manner worthy of his Name or God's ways.

These are my thoughts, my fears , my emotions. But through it all I know I want to be better than I am and to be worthy of God's call on my life.

My Goals for 2011: Part 2- 1/20/2011

Well 12 days later than I wanted this post to be, I am here writing part 2 of my goals for 2011. In this post I wanted to briefly outline a few habits/routines I want to put into practice in my life. Then I am going to give a basic schedule I want to make a part of my life daily to make the habits a part of my life. Then lastly I would like to share my plan for working out and my back up plans I was suppose to have posted by the end of last week. Then I will be making a part 3 that is some more goals for the year to improve my health in other areas that I wrote about in the blog posting on the Mattos Family Blog - A Healthier Mattos Family in 2011 - 01/02/2011.

Daily habits that will make me healthier

1. Devotion and prayer time with Mandy


2. Praying over Mandy, Jillian and Joshua


3. Create To-Do-List for goals and tasks to complete


4. Brush Teeth minimum of two times a day


5. Floss Teeth


6. Take vitamins


7. Read a chapter in a book


8. Household chore/task

Weekly habits that will make me healthier

1. Plan for the next week


1. Create schedule for the week


1. List activities such as shopping and library and what days the will be done


2. List appointments or meetings


3. List Goals and to-dos for the week


2. Create Meal Plan


3. Make Shopping List


2. Workout minimum of three times a week


3. Until Job Found make at least 10 job contacts a week.
   A contact counts as a completed application submitted, setting up interviews either informational or job specific and follow up after application or interview

Monthly Habits that will make me healthier

1. Date with wife


2. Date with daughter


3. Mattos Family Game Night


4. Budget Committee Meeting

Daily Schedule
Monday - Friday
6:55 AM	Wake up and get out of bed
7:00 - 7:30 AM	Prayer/Devotion/Coffee with Mandy
7:30 - 8:00 AM	Me Time/Start planning for day
8:00 AM	Wake Jillian up
8:00 - 8:50 AM	Get Jillian and self fed, dressed and hair done
12:00 - 1:00 PM	Get Jillian and self fed, spend some time reading and ready for nap
1:00 - 4:00 PM	Jillian nap/rest/quiet time. Finish days tasks and to-dos then me time
No later than 4:00 PM	Wake up/Let Jillian be done with rest/nap/quiet time
5:10 PM	Dinner is to be done by 5:10 PM if working. Start dinner accordingly
5:45 PM	If scheduled at 6:00 PM leave for work.
	After Dinner Clean up is completed spend time as a family
No later than 11:45 PM	Have Teeth brushed and be in bed
Monday, Wednesday, Friday
8:50 AM	Take Jillian to School
9:10 AM	Start workout at YMCA
10:10 AM	End Workout and shower and dress for day
10:30 - 11:50 AM	Work on tasks and to-dos
12:00 PM	Pick up Jillian from School
Tuesday and Thursday
9:00 AM - 12:00 PM	Work on tasks and to-dos for Jillian and self. Once done Jilly and daddy free time.
Before 12:00 PM	Be home if out and about unless planned to have lunch out. Key here is lunch out is to be planned.

Here is my work out routine.
Monday, Wednesday, Friday After dropping Jillian off for school I will be going to the YMCA to work out.

Monday	Warm Up - 10 minutes	Weight Lifting - 20 minutes - Core/Back	Cardio - 30 minutes
Wednesday	Warm Up - 10 minutes	Weight Lifting - 30 minutes - Legs/Arms	Cardio - 20 minutes
Friday	Warm Up - 10 minutes	Weight Lifting - 20 minutes - Core/Back	Cardio - 30 minutes

I have chosen three back up plans on the occasion that going to the YMCA is not an option.

1. 30 minute walk


2. 20 minute bike ride


3. When I get my weight down I will use the WII Fit again for 30 minutes